A Step Into the Unknown? Maybe... Maybe Not.

The moment that things enter into the view of your life, it can be difficult to measure just what effect they'll have on you.  Like a map that has traced where you have once been, the key to understanding its meaning sometimes is only revealed as you continue along the journey.  With my mission still very vivid in my mind, and with the help of journal entries, I can't help but ponder on certain circumstances I was placed in and begin to see at least a part, if not all, of the bigger picture explaining why things happened the way they did.

It isn't always that you'll have a clear grasp on where your headed until you make that first step of faith and enter into the unknown - but, even then, neither the purpose nor the destination is all known at once.  As you contemplate each step, indeed the first one being the hardest, there is always an inherent fear of the unknown. It is, as we know, only a part of our nature.

We like to know where we are going.  We want to know how we'll get there.  And we need to know that we can make it.  Thus, every fear that we have stems from a worry of not knowing.  

As I was thinking about my past, I was reminded of a passage I had written following a particularly difficult time in high school where I was doing a lot of worrying.  Oddly enough, it carries a strange familiarity to what I was talking about above. However, my thinking between then and now has changed drastically, and it all has to do with the relationship between fear, and love.

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March 9, 2008

Life seems to like to take it's many twists and turns. Just when it seems that the road on which we travel in life seems to be a straightaway and looks like a clear shot to the destination we wish to go, a crossroad is then placed along our path. And a few questions must be asked.

Which road should we travel down we would ask? Where will they take me? What are the tasks? Which road will last? Will one bring me to a dead end or simply just another question to ask? Do I even have enough gas?

Sadly, no road map or signs are provided to outline the journey in which we take. At least, I havnt found mine yet. Maybe you can tell me where to find one? But I guess there would be no fun in that then now, would it? To always know where your going to, what your going to be, where your going to end up...

As for me ... well... it seems I've done alright without a roadmap. Now, I'm not saying I wish I couldn't have taken a few different roads and avoided a couple speed bumps that I have encountered along my road of life, thats for sure. But I guess a little tap on the brakes every now and then and a change of direction doesn't hurt.

Let me reassure you that I have a pretty good idea of who I am and where I want to take my life. (At least I have that much going for me) But questions such as how I will be getting to that destination, who it will be with and what else will spring up along my journey, are all questions that can only be answered by driving on and continuing my journey down the road.

But whats to keep me from staying on a marked road? I see no signs. So heck, I might even go create some of my own roads. A little off-roading sounds a bit fun, don't it?

Well... this pitt stop is up for me. Im sure I'll be making a few more up ahead. Im sure of that. But until then...

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Oh, if I could only have seen where I am now four and half years later.  That event would not have been so difficult, knowing what I know now.

But that's just it, isn't it?  

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I believe it.  As you look back, you seem to find that not all things are entirely random or unplanned.  As you connect the dots, things begin to make sense.  Challenges that once caused you to wonder why you must go through them are no longer viewed as the enemy because they let you grow into something so much stronger.  

I'm not sure what map I was missing back then or how I seemingly paid no attention to the many road signs that stood blatantly before me.  I received my patriarchal blessing in November of 2007 and believed in prayer and revelation.  What more did I need to let me know that I wasn't undergoing this journey alone?  I was surprised what I read over.  I honestly don't know what led me to believe that at the time.

Thankfully, I have a perfect God who knows what my needs are and grants them in some of the most spectacular ways.  I say that with the most humblest of meanings.  Who knew that a mission call to Montana, of all the places in the world, would put me on that very path to finding what I've been longing for, and to give to others what they had been searching so hard for?  As I put the two together, I stand in awe at how it has all come to be.

Everything that God does has a purpose and it all points us in the direction of eternity.

I still have many fears, and I suppose its because I worry about the things I do not know.  But there is one thing I do know.  And the scripture which characterizes it has provided me countless comfort and peace, especially now as I venture into the unknown.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.." (1 John 4:18)

All I can say is that I have never been happier.  I have the best friend ever, and there's no torment in that.  This, is love.

Just Maybe... A "Return" to Normal

So, I don't know if its just the curious side in me or perhaps the massive amounts of college work on my plate that had me pick up a can of Mt. Dew.  I found it in our fridge and I don't know who's it is (was) but I haven't had one in years!  And not just those two missionary years.  I'm not a major soda drinker by any means.  While its a Dew, I don't know if it can be counted as the real stuff with it being diet and all.  Its all in good stride though.  Maybe this is a return to normal?

Heck, I don't even know what "normal" is anymore.  They seriously need an RMTC for us.  We (ME) can be quite helpless sometimes.  (Keep your ears open in the upcoming General Conference's for any such development, cause its bound to be the next big announcement following the recent age drop in missionary service!)  And after serving those two years in Montana and Wyoming, my Californian perception of what's culturally normal is all skewed.  I seriously got excited when I passed a field full of cows the other day.  I've driven past that field thousands of times and never once cared about what was on the other side of that fence until now.  Nor did I pay much attention to rodeos, horses, belt buckles, boots, bolo ties, and cowgirls!  Oh, and for the record, that last one is definitely a post-mission acquired trait.  Yeah... we'll go with that.

This whole RM gig has its perks though, there's no denying that.  I was recently called as a ward missionary for the YSA branch I started attending. While I won't be wearing the name badge, I get to go out on splits with the missionaries whenever I want and actively participate in lessons with them. And I don't even have to dress in a white shirt and tie.  Don't get me wrong though, its extremely important they have that image.  How else would you find them?!  I, however, just don't have to it anymore!  I'll let you in on a secret though.  Sometimes, when I'm in my church clothes, I think about putting that tag back on.  But shhhhh!  Don't tell anyone.

Back to the perks. Another would have to be that I can listen to the music I like again!  For example, like the Eagles, Coldplay, Skillet or... the Cascada song that was just playing?  Umm... so... my Mtn Dew is all gone.  I kinda want another one.  Ok, the Foo Fighters are playing now.  Phew!  Anyways, I think the best perk out of all is getting to work out the course of my life, where it will take me, who it will be with, how I'll provide for a family, and continually learning how to stay happy.  I ran across this great scripture from Proverbs during Church last Sunday that sums up the point:

"A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps". (Proverbs 16:9)

The new normal for me is a mix of who I am, the things I like and the things I want to change, all fused together with the lessons I learned on my mission. If one was to ask for a single significant difference between the me of now and then, I would say its all rooted in prayer and how often I utilize that source to seek wisdom, comfort, love, peace, lost car keys... and all of the other attributes of the Spirit found in Galatians 5.

My best friend gave me this as her testimony of prayer, which I refer to quite often:

"I have a testimony of prayer.  I know that when we are struggling with something or even just wondering about something that if we pray about it we will get the answers we need.  Heavenly Father knows each one of us individually and knows our problems better then we do.  Answers from prayer are the ones we need to trust and rely on the most".

I'd have to say the last part is my favorite.  Trust is everything!  Like, for example, lets take the Mtn Dew I drank.  I trust that its effects are wearing off as I am getting drowsier and drowsier by the moment.  And now I should go pray that all the studying I've been doing (wait, I've been writing this blog) will help me out on my upcoming tests!  Life's truly an adventure and when you have prayer, you've always got a guide that'll stick with you through thick and thin.

"Hey, That's Not Fair!... Wait, What's God Saying?"

"That's not fair!".

I've thought it.  Said it.  And yet sometimes (ok, most times), it just simply does absolutely nothing.  I have a brother and two sisters.  Somehow, they seem to provide the most excellent opportunities for me to raise my opinion to my parents about what I think is fair or not.  Of course, I'm a responsible adult now and I don't have to delve into those sibling rivalries anymore.  Right?  No, definitely not.  Some things just don't change, no matter how long your gone!

You can say the reason is brotherly or sisterly love,  but when it comes to dealing out responsibilities the home immediately turns into an intense court room battle where sibling is against sibling to determine what is "just" and "fair".  I don't always think the judge is truly listening to my case.  I mean, there's definitely a blatant solution to the problem.  And it usually always works out for my good.   I don't get why its not granted.  Its obvious.  I get what I want.  And then I can be happy and because I'm happy you can be happy.

So simple!  But oh so selfish.  I guess that's why life isn't fair.  And life's problems far exceed those minuscule rivalries between siblings.

We aren't the judge either.  That's one responsibility I am glad I don't have.  That's all on you God!  Thankfully, He wants to be our judge and He'll be completely just.  Now, I don't know what you think, but I am going to side with Elder Dallin H. Oaks and say that can be a little scary too.

Elder Oaks, speaking to CES religious educators in his talk "Sins, Crimes, and Atonement", said

"The justice of God holds each of us responsible for our own transgressions and automatically imposes the penalty. This reality should permeate our understanding, and it should influence all our teachings about the commandments of God and the effect of individual transgressions.

In keeping with the legal traditions of man, many seem to want justice. It is true that justice is a friend that will protect us from persecution by the enemies of righteousness. But justice will also see that we receive what we deserve, and that is an outcome, I fear.

I cannot achieve my eternal goals on the basis of what I deserve. Though I try with all my might, I am still what King Benjamin called an "unprofitable servant" (see Mosiah 2:21). To achieve my eternal goals, I need more than I deserve. I need more than justice".

When you hear that coming from an apostle of Jesus Christ, your probably thinking, "Ok, well I tried.  Send me on my way God!" It isn't that way though.  Indeed, God offers us more then justice.  He offers us mercy and salvation.  He has given us the Atonement. "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ" (Preach My Gospel, p. 52).

And that's an outcome I'm content with.  When this life isn't fair and it sends blows my way that knock me down and weaken my strength, all I need remember is that God offers so much more.

Why Be Past Feeling?

Over the course of my mission I worked on a number of blog posts and ideas.  For some reason or another, I never got around to completing some of them.  In an effort to finish that which I've already started, I'll begin with this one.

"He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding . . ." (Proverbs 14:29)

I'd say that's some very wise counsel as I have come to learn that anger is usually spurred by a lack of understanding of some variable on my part.  With anger comes a variety of emotions and feelings that usually are far from desirable - my muscles tense up, my head gets hot, and I feel quite agitated.  Everything that follows anger is everything opposite of what God's Spirit feels like.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith ... meekness, temperance." (Galatians 5:22-23)

"We've all felt anger. It can come when things don’t turn out the way we want. It might be a reaction to something which is said of us or to us. We may experience it when people don’t behave the way we want them to behave. Perhaps it comes when we have to wait for something longer than we expected. We might feel angry when others can’t see things from our perspective. There seem to be countless possible reasons for anger." (President Thomas S. Monson)

So it seems, anger is driven by a lack of understanding since more often then not, its usually the result of a quick judgement in a situation we should have remembered to be patient in. The anger that builds up inside ourselves pushes God's Spirit away, which is the very tool God's given to reveal knowledge.  Once we turn our back on feeling the Spirit, it is as if we are walking down a dark, treacherous path all alone without any light, guide, or handrail.

In thinking about how anger dull's our ability to hear the Spirit, I read this quote be Elder L. Tom Perry:

"The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper.

Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit."

With that quote on my mind, my thoughts on how strong emotions can remove us from feeling the Spirit was furthered by a dinner experience I had in Helena, MT.  We were served a massive burger that had 6 lbs. of turkey burger, 2 lbs. of turkey sausage, and 2 lbs. of bacon, 1 whole head of lettuce, 3 full tomatoes, and sauteed onions.  To seal the deal, our cutting utensil was a katana.

As I was gearing up to eat my portion of this beast, I was asked if I liked hot stuff. Though my taste buds have sort of lived in a sheltered atmosphere, I told him definitely and he brought out Dave's Insanity Sauce. I've tried this sauce before but apparently had forgotten its effects. I proceeded to pour it on my burger, ate about half of it, and then had to drop my pride and give in to its insanity-ness.
 
I won't say its the hottest sauce ever (especially after eating a Ghost Pepper sauce), but maybe a good clue to just how "hot" this sauce was could have been realized by reading its back label:
 
"A great cooking ingredient for sauces, soups, and stews. Also, strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains. Enjoy!".

Now, that you have a gauge on its level of heat, here's the relation in telling this story. No matter how hard I tried to enjoy it, the hot sauce completely overcame any other tastes. My sense of taste was completely dull to anything and everything. Thanks to that wonderful sauce which I choose to apply excessively, my mouth was numb for a good while.  Strong emotions have the same, dulling effect in our efforts to enjoy the presence and comfort of the Holy Ghost.

I don't know what kind of hot sauces they had back in the day, but a scripture from the Book of Mormon comes to mind as it talks about being numb to our spiritual senses. The phrase that the scripture used was "past feeling". Its in reference to two people who were constantly opposing God and complaining about their circumstances. Their brother, in an effort to lead them back to Christ, was quite bold with them, saying:

"[Laman and Lemuel,] ye are swift to do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord your God. Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words..."

I don't know what that feels like entirely.  And I don't want to, I feel like I have come close enough to it as it already is.  Anger and unrighteous passions, over time, build up an immunity to the gentle care of the Holy Ghost.  To reach a point where His words cannot be felt is a course I never want to pursue.  The meaning of "being past feeling" to me signifies the surrender of agency.  Our agency is the only thing we truly have, and if we want to keep it, our feelings must be schooled.

School thy feelings, O my brother;

Train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

But let wisdom’s voice control.

School thy feelings; there is power

In the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason’s tower,

Makes the clearest vision blind. 

President Thomas S. Monson loves the words to that song.  I think it provides very good advice. One of life's many challenges and opportunities is learning how to "school" our feelings.  Thus, there is no cookie cutter method that leads us through each situation and scenario.  I wrote most of this while on my mission and I felt like I could finally finish it.  At the time, there were a couple situations that had transpired that I wish had better outcomes.  Anger and frustration  refereed those instances and the result was the loss of the Spirit.  

My curiosity always leads me into the "why".  And so, I'm making a concerted effort to check why I feel a certain way and why I should react the way I feel.  I haven't found any step-by-step method yet, but asking "Why be angry" or "Why be sad" I think is a good start in learning how to gain control over our emotions.

. . . And yes, we really did use a katana to cut that burger.

My 5-Day Getaway @ UC Davis Medical Center

I'm thinking I need to look for a new travel agency.  This last one booked me a room for five days at UC Davis Medical Center on Tower 11.  Their excursion package included a once-in-a-lifetime appendectomy, an all you can eat buffet of antibiotics and painkillers, 24 hr. room service that never lets you sleep, and a floor full of entertaining guests who made the same mistake as I.

I don't know who recommended these guys to me.  Yes, I love adventures and, while I admit surgery has never been one I had experienced, I think there were many other adventures that could have been a bit less, less....  painful?  

Eh... it hasn't been entirely bad.  Now, I can proudly stand and resolutely say "I've had an operation!".  I mean, come'on, you know how these kind of stories come up.  Just don't be alarmed if I go around asking "Do you want to see my incisions too?".  I mean, they're kinda cool looking.  They'd probably look better on a 6-pack, but you get whatchya get and you don't throw a fit.  

As a side note, Cavity Sam from the game Operation, I know how you feel bud and don't you worry.  Not that I was conscious at all during my surgery, but I got you covered with your appendix problem!  

All my travel woes started last Wednesday September 5th when I woke up to some abdominal pain.  It increased over the next couple days as I went to school, played volleyball, and washed my car. There was always a dull, constant pain, but at times the pain would surge up and become excruciatingly agonizing. 

It carried over to Friday and by time the afternoon came, I knew a doctor's visit was inevitable.  The on-call doctor recommended me to the ER and off I went.  They did blood work, a chest x-ray, a CT scan, and an ultra-sound!  Mom made a lot of jokes about that last one.  Nope, we're all good, no kid.  Around midnight they determined it was appendicitis and shortly after I had surgery early Saturday morning.  

Mom and Dad asked how I felt about having surgery.  Heck, I had no use for my appendix.  I was of a "do whatever" attitude.  Also, it was perforated, meaning their were holes in the appendix leaking infection and I definitely didn't want it to rupture.  Let's just take it out and end this thing!  So, they did and out came my appendix.  

I thought this was quite funny at the time.  But no, I didn't do that.  Sorry future whoever.

But, that wasn't the end of it.  I seemed to be recovering fine and when Sunday afternoon rolled around, they discharged me.  I didn't feel good enough to go home, I was shaking and felt a fever coming on.  The moment I stepped into my house we knew I needed to go back.  We played the whole ER waiting game again, but this time I was fast tracked a little.  I had a temp of 104°F and life was the pits.  They gave me something good for it and my fever never reached got that high again.  I spent the next three and a 1/2 days dealing with the complications of the infection and getting myself into a state that would allow me to finish up at home.

I'm home now, yet that doesn't mean I'm all ready to start life back up again.  I've got loads of school work to catch up on and, though I'm home, it doesn't mean I feel GREAT.  But I'm going to try to make myself feel GREAT by being GRATEFUL it wasn't any worse.  : )

The staff at UC Davis Medical Center weas fantastic.  Mom and Dad were awesome.  They are awfully patient with me.  I love them a lot.  So many people have prayed for me and they have been heard.  Last night, the pain was so great that no where felt more comfortable then on my knees.  There is power in prayer, and I have many friends who have done so.  Thank you and I love you all!

Picture time!

Morphine Smile!

The Cuts!

Trick-or-Treat!

Yes, this is the result of a pain med morning.

On my way home (but soon to return)  I saw the Air Force Thunderbirds being escorted to the air show!  

UC Davis Medical Center - Tower 11

I love my church family!

Be Happy!

There are so many things we can be in this life... but being unhappy shouldn't be one of them!  For each moment of every day, you decide the way you think, feel, and act.  It was best put by a man out here in Wyoming soon to be baptized, saying "Don't let anyone steal your joy away!"

My Plans vs. God's Plans

Recently, with the help of my parents, I got myself signed back up at a community college in Sacramento for this upcoming Fall 2012 semester.  Before I left on my mission, I pretty much had every class in mind that I wanted to take and made detailed notes on them.  I brought out those plans over the last couple months and boy, have they sure changed... well, only slightly I suppose.

The biggest concern I had from the beginning was the challenge presented by my enrollment date.  Since I have been absent from the school system for two years, I was way down the line in getting priority picking rights.  Those with priority one registration began April 30th - my date wasn't until May 15th!  My worry only increased as I kept track of the classes and saw them fill up and close out.

Don't Cry This Easter, Christ Has Risen!

 

As I look forward to celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ this Easter weekend, I found this picture of my cousin Ian from one a few years ago.  I can't recall exactly what was upsetting him that Sunday morning, but I think I can narrow it down to two things, either he didn't want his picture taken or someone other then him had just found the last Easter egg.  I think we'll go with the latter one!  

I hope I don't embarrass him too much with this (I sure love and miss that kid) -  but as we go about hunting for Easter eggs and enjoying our jelly beans and Reese's eggs (mmm!), we ought to remember that what we are ought to be searching for and rejoicing in is Jesus Christ, our Savior.

Here are a few scriptures that have helped me remember the hope that Christ has given to the whole world:

What If I Give Everything?

At some time or another, everyone looks back into their past and asks themselves a "What if..." question.  We don't like making mistakes and being in the wrong. Some mistakes are very blatant while others aren't so obvious.  When they happen, we love to replay the past in our mind and pinpoint just what we could have done differently.  Its quite easy to look back on what we should have done in the past while holding our present information.

I've had too many of these "What if" scenarios in my life yet I added another to my life while out knocking doors. 

Dusting for God's Fingerprints

A Western Montana Landscape and Commentary

I've been at a loss lately for something to write about.  I figured I needed to do something about it though so for this post, I decided to do some searching around through my notes and journals to find something I could share.

A few weeks after first arriving in Montana back in August of 2010, I attended a missionary conference that was held out on a farm in the Moiese Valley near Charlo, MT, about 60 miles from Missoula.  These conferences are normally conducted inside church buildings, so it was quite a blessing to have spent this spiritually uplifting experience outdoors in God's country.

The theme of the conference was "dusting for God's fingerprints".  About midway through our time out there, we each were instructed to go and find a quiet spot on this ranch.  Once there, we were given about 20 minutes or so to write down our observations and thoughts of how God had a hand in everything we were viewing before us.